


Bite Me

by greenikat89



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Gen, Humor, Post-Marauders' Era, Vampires
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 20:12:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,857
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8814649
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/greenikat89/pseuds/greenikat89
Summary: Remus just wanted a late night snack. What he got was his food poked with holes, blacked out windows, and a vampiric Sirius.





	

**Author's Note:**

> This work was originally written in 2008. I'm just transferring all my old stuff to my new account so everything is in one place. Aside from some minor typo corrections the work is still the same.

Remus was not having a good day, and with the new laws restricting the rights of werewolves and other creatures, he just wanted to get home and rest. It didn't help that James was busy with the baby and Sirius had decided to take off a month without telling anyone. He was probably having a good time with his many girlfriends of unrestricted fun. So much for his friends always being there for him.

Keys jingling as he opened the door to his flat, Remus sighed and pushed open the door to his apartment. Blindly setting the keys on the hook in the wall, he shuffled towards the kitchenette for a cup of tea. Or maybe something stronger, Remus mused as he flicked on the light switch. The lights didn't turn on, and neither did the one in the fridge when he opened the door. Maybe he should have invested in a more expensive light bulb if they went out so quickly.

He pulled out an apple to munch on while he fixed himself a glass of Firewhiskey when he blinked in surprise. There were two neat round holes in his apple with a little bit of juice dried to the side. Remus looked at it strangely thinking a worm had gotten in before setting the fruit off to the side and picking up another apple. That apple was thrown away as he saw the same markings. Okay, so worms had invaded his bushel of apples. He shrugged and hummed to himself as he threw the entire bag in the trash. He'd just have a banana instead. His mouth was already watering at the taste of the sticky fruit when his eyes narrowed in annoyance. "Oh this is ridiculous!" he exclaimed as he saw the two holes in the side of his fruit. Had worms gotten into his bananas too?

He irritably threw the yellow fruit into the trash and opened his refrigerator door for something to eat when his mouth dropped open. Everything had holes in it, from the cheese block sitting on the top shelf next to the loaf of bread, a stick of half-eaten butter, the lettuce in the crisper, and even the milk nestled in the door. He lifted up the white carton with two fingers and just watched as milk poured out of the two holes near the bottom to drain onto his clean linoleum floor.

How could something like this have happened? A strand of black hair caught his vision and Remus picked it up from the counter top. His mouth thinned in annoyance and he put the carton in the sink to finish draining. It wasn't how this could have happened, it was who, and Remus knew exactly the person who had done it. "Sirius!"

He nearly tripped over a pack of punctured marshmallows in the darkened hallway as he stalked towards his living room. He was intent on firecalling his wayward friend when he stopped short at the redecorating that had been done to his small apartment. All his windows were blackened out and heavy black drapes were thrown over all his lamps. His comfortable furniture was replaced with hulking, gothic Victorian furniture that looked like it'd been taken from the Black household. And there was a coffin sitting in the middle of his living room where his coffee table used to be.

"Sirius," Remus said flatly at his friend who was sitting cross-legged in the coffin and…apparently sucking on an orange by the looks of it, "what are you doing?"

Sirius' face was a pale white, his hair was slicked back and he was wearing a black cape lined with red satin. Juice from the orange was dribbling down the white, ruffled dress shirt and into the man's lap as he sucked on the fruit. "I'm a vampire, Moony," he stated mildly once he had finished draining the orange. He chucked the husk to the side next to the pile of other punctured food items that had been raided from the fridge.

"Uh-huh," Remus said unimpressed, blinking in the low light of the room and wishing someone hadn't taken out all his light bulbs so he could turn on a light and see. "And don't they normally feed on blood to survive?"

Sirius shrugged, rooting though his opened bag of chips and trying to stab them with his plastic glow-in-the-dark fangs. "I'm a vegetarian vampire."

"Right," Remus muttered tiredly, rubbing a hand beneath his eyes and wondering why he couldn't have chosen a new best friend. Oh, to have been so young and foolish. And stupid, mustn't forget that. "What decided to bring this on?"

Sirius wiped the salt from his hands on his black pants as he cocked his head to the side. "Fudge," he said simply as he ran his tongue over a pointed tooth.

Remus raised his eyebrows in mild surprise as he gingerly sat himself down on a gothic looking chair where his perfectly fine recliner had once been. "Of course. The chocolate made you do it." Sirius was off his rocker, no doubt about that. Fleetingly Remus wished he had his wand with him, not because he feared Sirius, but because he needed to whack some sense into his friend.

Sirius waved his hand in a dismissive gesture. "No Remmy, I mean Minister Fudge and his new rules on 'subs'." The last two words were said exaggeratedly with air quotes around him, showing how much he disliked the term. He was referring to the new rules that placed discriminating restrictions on werewolves, vampires, Veela, and other mixed magical races that were determined 'sub-human.'

"Ah," Remus murmured, knowing how much Sirius despised the injustice done for any person 'not normal' under the Wizard's Law. "And you wanted to show this indignation by biting my perfectly good food full of holes? Spot on, I'm sure Fudge will take your message to heart."

Sirius scowled and a small wedge of cheese bearing multiple sets of fang marks sailed through the air and smacked against the wall next to Remus' head. "You know, sarcasm doesn't suit you, Moony. Here I am trying to be a martyr to your cause and you go and ridicule me." He sighed dramatically and flung himself down into the velvet-lined coffin littered with various candy wrappers and crumbs.

There was silence in the room as Remus tried to think of what to say while his friend sucked the life out of an avocado as if it had personally offended him. "Did Celeste break up with you?" he inquired. The last time Sirius had been dumped by one of his many girlfriends, he'd pranced around with his pants on the outside of his trousers with a giant bat on the front of his shirt. James called that his 'superhero' phase although Remus didn't really understand that. Or why he'd been forced to wear red and yellow spandex.

"No," Sirius answered and rolled his eyes. "I'm trying to show you that I'm here for you."

"By being a vampire?" Remus questioned, wondering if Sirius _had_ been dumped. He had told Sirius that dating Celeste and her sister at the same time was a bad idea. They were bound to find out eventually since they were conjoined twins and all.

"We can suffer the injustices done together," Sirius continued doggedly as he waved around a baguette. "You're a werewolf. I'm a vampire. We can relate to each other and go through the hardships faced with prejudice by wizardkind."

Remus nodded in vague understanding. "And you couldn't do this before?"

Sirius gave a sigh of annoyance and moved over in his coffin, patting the space next to him for Remus to sit down. The werewolf eyed the dirt in the coffin with trepidation. He pinched a bit and sniffed it before his eyes widened. "Is this coffee grounds? Did you use my good blend of coffee to sprinkle into your coffin?" he asked scandalized.

"Remus, _please_ ," Sirius begged and Remus sighed but did as he was asked and climbed inside. There was a couple muffled curses as he tried to scrunch up his frame in the tiny coffin with his legs drawn up towards his chest and the wood of the coffin digging into his spine was uncomfortable but he did it.

"Well?" Remus asked as he hooked his arms around his legs, feeling a bit like a kid in a too small bathtub as he stared at his friend wedged into the other side of the coffin amidst the mess.

"Okay, I'm not really a vampire," Sirius began and Remus had to resist the urge to roll his eyes. He sobered at the unusually serious looking in Sirius' eyes as the other man nudged his shoulder. "But I walked around for a month pretending to be one to understand a bit about the prejudices you go through, and, well, I don't know how you do it everyday, Remus."

The man was drawing circles in the coffee grounds as he got a faraway look in his eyes and Remus wanted to pat his friend on the shoulder. "One day at a time, Sirius," Remus responded quietly. "And it helps to have good friends." He gave a small smile that Sirius returned.

"Well, I just wanted to let you know that I'm here for you," the man said before he flung his arms around his friend. "And I will walk down to the nearest blood bank in the middle of the night and douse myself with type O blood before walking down a dark alley to be mauled by the vampire king himself and turned into a fearsome (and might I add sexy) creature of the night so I can suffer those injustices with you."

"That's…quite all right, Sirius," Remus said as he patted his sobbing friend on the back, oddly touched and a little bit disturbed at the lengths his friend would go through to try and understand him. "You being here just as yourself is enough."

Sirius sniffed and wiped his eyes with the sleeve of his ruffled shirt as he fished around the coffin for a cake snack. "Can I still dress as a vampire to show you my moral support?"

"Yes Sirius," Remus sighed, feeling a lot better than when he had woken up because of his friend.

"And bite things?" he asked hopefully.

"Why not, Sirius," Remus said as he wondered what was the best method for getting coffee grind stains out of his pants. He didn't really mind, though, as they sat in companionable silence. It was just good to know that he had such great understanding friends.

"Oh yeah, and I got dumped by Celeste and her twin sister," Sirius added as he polished off the last of a box of cookies. "That means we can suffer more injustices together, bring on the spandex!"

"Joy," Remus muttered as Sirius started to bite a hole through the hem of his shirt. Idly he wondered where he'd put his stake. He'd need it if Sirius went about insisting they dress up as superheroes again. So much for a heart-warming moment.


End file.
